The Truth About Our Sexuality
by EverTheDreamer
Summary: Combo of Network & What Your Teachers Really Think. Albus is late to a staff meeting, the staff gets side tracked and talk about things that are not altogether academic. Hermione, Harry, and the Weasley children discuss teachers and ...radar. GAY COUPLES
1. What Your Teachers Really Think About

"Where is Albus?" Minerva McGonagall asked no one in particular as she drummed her fingers impatiently on the table in the staff room.

"Why so impatient, Minerva?" Severus Snape asked grinning. "Do you have something planned for after the meeting?" His eyes flashed between the impatient professor and her just as impatient girlfriend, Xiomara Hooch.

"Wh-wh-what? What are you implying?" Minerva stuttered, surprised at being called on her relationship.

Severus smiled devilishly, pleased that he had gotten under Minerva's skin so. "Hands where we can see them." Minerva's hands shot up and she caught herself and blushed.

Xiomara laughed and her face lit up as she leaned forward, not bothered in the least about discussing the details of her and Minerva's sex life. "Yes, actually. We were planning to head to the Room of Requirement. You'd be surprised the toys you can find there. We may be there for several hours, if not more." Minerva, being the much more private type, swatted at Xiomara to quiet her. "Oooh, I love when she's aggressive!" Minerva blushed again.

"Er… I 'ave ter be goin' now. Gots lots o' animals ter care fer an' all," Hagrid said, standing and backing away, an embarrassed grin on his face.

"You slay that dragon, Hagrid," Severus said, a smile in his eyes.

Hagrid finally managed to leave and the entire staff exploded in laughter.

"That was horrid, Severus!" Minerva scolded once her laughter died down. She blotted a tear from her eye.

"Gay men are mean," Xiomara said, not even bothering to suppress her laughter.

"I resent that," Filius Flitwick piped up. "Not all gay men are mean!"

"Oh, stop trying to create a pedestal for yourself! You have a mean-streak, too. Admit it," Severus said.

"But mine doesn't come out nearly as often as yours, does it?" Filius asked in a squeaky voice.

"You were hopping mad when your lover had that brain trauma thing, though. That fraud, Lockhart," Xiomara added.

"I had been taken in my his charm! If the lot of you weren't stupid lesbians, you would have fallen prey to his charm as well!" Filius answered huffily.

"Ah… There's the mean streak!" Xiomara laughed.

"Where is he?" Minerva asked again, her legs bouncing due to her boredom and anxiousness.

"Xiomara, control your woman!" Severus barked teasingly. Minerva glared at him.

"Unlike the relationship between Lucius and yourself, Xiomara and I are equals. She is not my 'whipping boy' and I am not hers."

"This is what she tells you? And you believe it? Well, we all know who wears the pants in _that_ relationship!" Severus said.

"Stop with your gay boy drama! It reminds me of Potter and Malfoy!" Minerva barked, getting frustrated.

"If anyone reminds anyone of anyone, it's Granger taking after you, Minerva," Severus countered.

"Leave Hermione out of this," McGonagall demanded angrily.

"Oooh, touchy about the little lesbian in training, are we? Xiomara, I do believe you have some competition!" Severus answered, clearly enjoying himself.

"I have to admit, you're both right. Not about the competition thing," Xiomara said immediately upon seeing Minerva turn to her in astonishment. "Just about the reminding thing. Minerva, you have to admit that Hermione acts just like you did while we were in school. And, Severus, don't try to deny it. You can see it the way they bicker. Potter and Malfoy are building up all sorts of sexual tension. Not that Potter would be able to get anything with his whiny boy-toy Ron following him around all the time. That Ron's a whiny one!"

"Speaking of boy-toys, have you seen the masterful way that lee Jordan commands both the Weasley twins? They clearly don't know that they are both the 'other man,'" Severus commented with honest admiration.

"I am not proud that my Gryffindors are two-timing one another!" Minerva snapped.

"If you don't want your Gryffindors two-timing one another, you should watch the littlest Weasley. She'll be a forced to reckon with. She has Granger and Lovegood head-over-heels for her," Severus laughed as Minerva's eyes widened.

"I'm beginning to think all the Weasley children are gay!" Minerva said in astonishment.

"Except Bill!" Xiomara screeched, laughing.

"You know what I don't understand?" Minerva began, "What about Crabbe and Goyle? Are they with each other or is Malfoy banging them both on the side? Wait," she put a hand up to stop Severus who had opened his mouth to answer, "I don't want to know!"

"Min', are _any_ of your Gryffindors straight?" Xiomara asked.

"I think Lavander is."

Trelawney laughed in a mysterious and choked on the smoke she had conjured for effect. "Please!" she exclaimed, recovering, "She's not straight! She's with Parvati! I had a vision! I saw it with my Inner Ey-"

"You caught them together," the other four interrupted in a bored voice.

Trelawney scowled. "I caught them because of my vision!" she insisted.

"You know who I'm curious about? Why you are discussing this? I don't remember any of that being on today's schedule."

They all turned to find Dumbledore smiling broadly with an undeniable twinkle in his eyes.


	2. The Network

"Have you seen the man walk? He's the biggest poofer I've ever met!" Ron exclaimed loudly.

"Ronald!" Hermione hissed, her eyes darting to the staff table. She clearly worried that their voices had carried, but none of their professors had taken any notice.

"Hermione, really. Ron has a point," Ginny laughed.

"We really shouldn't be discussing this," Hermione huffed as the topic of conversation at the Gryffindor table invariably turned to their teachers and their sexuality. "It's really none of our business."

"Hermione, just hear the man's voice once and you know," Harry said.

Hermione bit back her laughter despite her interest in the topic.

"Hear his voice?" Fred asked skeptically.

"Just hear his name!" George finished.

"Flitwick," Ron said, laughing. "You're right! Even his name is gay!"

Hermione quickly covered her mouth with her hand to stifle her laughter.

"So, we all agree?" Ginny asked, looking at the assembled group. "We all think Flitwick is…"

"The biggest poofer I've ever met!" Ron finished.

"What about Hagrid?" George asked, laughing, as he turned toward Harry. Harry did, after all, know Hagrid the best.

"He clearly has a crush on Dumbledore," Fred added in.

"Dumbledore's tappin' that ass!" Ron laughed at his own exclamation.

"Dumbledore's old!" Harry exclaimed. "He couldn't 'tap Hagrid's ass' even if he wanted to!"

"I agree with Harry," Hermione said, giving into the group and joining the discussion. "Besides, I think Dumbledore has always had a thing for McGonagall. Not that she's notices what with her being a lesbian and all."

"McGonagall? A lesbian?" George asked skeptically.

"Definitely!" Hermione answered, nodding.

"Hold up!" Ginny cried. "Let's finish our vote on Hagrid. Then Dumbledore. Then McGonagall."

"I don't think Hagrid swings that way," Harry said. Hermione nodded her agreement.

"I don't know," Fred said, shaking his head. "He's very protective of Dumbledore." Ginny nodded.

"Tappin' that ass, tappin' that ass," Ron sang. George nodded in agreement, even going as far as to motion spanking causing their table to erupt in laughter again.

"No unanimous agreement on Hagrid," Ginny announced once the laughter had died down. "Dumbledore?"

"Too old!" Hermione and Harry chorused. Ginny nodded.

"I actually agree. I think Hagrid has a thing for Dumbledore, but I think Dumbledore is too old to be interested," Fred said. George and Ron both nodded, neither offering commentary.

"So, we've all agreed? Dumbledore isn't?" Ginny asked.

"Back to McGonagall, then," Hermione chirped. "I think she is."

"Why?" Harry asked, honestly looking perplexed.

"Well, her shoes: very birkenstock-esque. Her jewelry: very chunky and piecey. And her walk! No wiggle at all!" Hermione explained. Ron laughed. "What?" Hermione asked, looking around.

"Have you been looking at her ass?" Ginny asked, trying to hold back laughter.

Hermione's cheeks flushed. "It's just something I've noticed. I wasn't looking, per say. I just happened to see."

Riiight," Harry laughed.

"I actually agree with Hermione," Fred said. "I've never looked at her ass," Fred began, looking at Hermione and causing the group to laugh again, "or her walk, but I do get that vibe." Ginny nodded.

George shook his head, "No way someone that prim and proper would swig that way."

"She's too stuffy and rule-obsessed. Not to mention her overwhelming case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," Harry nodded.

Ron just shrugged. "Maybe she's just a mad-cleaning lesbian." Ginny shook her head at her brother's reasoning and laughed.

"So we're split on McGonagall?" Ginny asked. The group nodded. "Then we move on to who?"

"I can't believe we're discussing this," Hermione marveled.

"Oh, get over it. Stop acting like such a prude. You know you find it interesting," Ron said to Hermione.

"Let's chat about…" Harry's eyes flicked to the staff table, resting on… "Snape."

"Actually, I think he is," Ginny said. "It wouldn't surprise me one bit."

"It would shock the hell out of me!" Hermione said, gaping.

Ron shook his head. "Stupid blighter. He's probably shacking up with Lucius Malfoy," Ron spat with disgust. All the Weasleys nodded angrily.

Ginny finally cleared her throat after a long silence and shook her head. "Let's move on." Her eyes scanned the staff table as Harry's had.

"Hooch," Fred put in.

"Raging bull-dyke!" George exclaimed.

"You say that like it's a bad thing!" Hermione said with mock anger. Ginny laughed.

"I agree with George," Ron announced. Harry nodded.

"It's kinda obvious," Fred said.

"She doesn't hide it very well," Hermione laughed.

"Unanimous?" Ginny asked, nodding in agreement at the comments made.

"End of lunch," Hermione said, standing.

"We already know tomorrow's topic then!" George said.

They all gathered their books and left the Great Hall, each with the resolve to study his or her professors much more closely.


	3. When Albus is Away

"Good Merlin! Is that man ever on time?" Minerva McGonagall heaved an impatient sigh and buried her face in her hands.

"Here we go again," Severus Snape said under his breath.

"Oh, shove it, Severus!" Minerva barked, clearly irritated.

"Touchy aren't we? Xiomara, keep a leash on your woman!" Severus laughed to himself. Minerva scowled.

"I would, you know, but it's so much more fun to watch her verbally attack you," Xiomara Hooch joked.

Minerva swatted Xiomara's arm. "Don't encourage him!"

"You're always so impatient at these meetings. Do you plan your _activities_ for after the conclusion of these meetings or are they just planned at inconvenient times?" Severus asked.

"For your information, Xiomara's and my _activities_ have nothing to do with my being impatient. I'm impatient because… Well, I can't tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy."

"The little lesbian-in-training had a date?" Severus asked, turning to Xiomara.

"Will you stop calling her that? Do I refer to Malfoy in such a demeaning manner? Do I call him 'The Horny Little Ferret Fag'? Please just leave Hermione out of this!"

"This is what I was referring to when I warned about your competition," Severus said, still speaking to Xiomara.

"Stop with your infernal talk of her having competition!" Minerva exclaimed, throwing her teacup at Severus and missing badly.

"Why can't you two just get along?" Filius Flitwick squeaked, just barley dodging the thrown teacup. "Every time we have a meeting, it seems you two must take up your incessant competitions and one-upping one another. You're both professors now! Let the silly, childish Slytherin/Gryffindor feud be over."

"Maybe you wouldn't mind so much if you would get laid once and a while," Severus shot back. "Though, I suppose they don't allow 'backdoor visits' at Mungo's."

"Uncalled for," Minerva tutted.

"Below the belt, Sevvie," Xiomara said in a mocking tone.

"I can fight my own battles, ladies, thank you," Filius yelped gratefully. "Severus, when was the last time you and Lucius _got together_? Or have you decided that young Malfoy makes a better bottom?"

Xiomara's eyes widened. "How scandalous!"

"Please, Severus, please tell me this is just his attempt to get under your skin," Minerva pleaded as she clutched her heart, clearly mortified. "Please tell me you are not involved with that… that… That child!"

"Oh, get off your bloody pedestal!" Severus said. "Of course I'm not involved with Lucius' boy. But even if I were, are you really one to point fingers? Like your interest in the little lesbian-in-training is altogether proper?"

"Severus! You take that back right now! That girl is nearly sixty years my junior! I would never entertain lurid thoughts about a student or any other person so young!" Minerva exclaimed. "How can you think I would think in such a way? You know I think of all the students as my children, especially my Gryffindors!"

"Sorry, Min. I was kidding. I didn't expect to rile you so," Severus apologized, shocked. "I was just trying to get under your skin."

"Honestly, Severus, I'd have thought you to say something in better taste than that!"

"Minnie, I'm sure he was only saying it in jest. You heard him, he _did_ apologize sincerely," Xiomara said, trying to calm her girlfriend down.

"That doesn't excuse it," Minerva said firmly.

The silence lingered.

"If it makes you feel any better, Min, you _can_ call Malfoy the little Ferret Fag," Severus joked.

Minerva snorted her laughter.

"So, what is going on with Malfoy?" Xiomara asked, the conversation obviously turning to happier thoughts.

"In all honesty, I think he's just really horny," Severus answered. "I'd ask what's really going on with Granger but Min's been sworn to secrecy."

Xiomara laughed.

"Had any visions lately, Trelawney? Maybe you can tell us what Granger's up to. Unless the little lesbian-in-training is proving too elusive. Or maybe you, too, have been sworn to secrecy?" Severus asked, patronizing her.

"I see… I see… I see…" Sybill Trelawney began.

"Your own reflection," Filius finished.

"Maybe you can tell us when Albus will arrive," Hooch said. "Doesn't that man own a watch?"

"Several," McGonagall answered, nodding.

"Stop interrupting me!" Trelawney screeched. "I see…"

The other four shook their heads.

"My inner eye is clouded. So much negative energy."

"I see… An impatient lesbian debating whether or not to attend a staff meeting," Severus said, mocking Sybill and Minerva both.

"There's more to me than just being a lesbian, Severus," Minerva informed him.

"That's right. There's more to her than just being a lesbian," Xiomara said. "I mean, you should see her tie a cherry stem into a knot with only her tongue." Minerva blushed, knowing what Xiomara was hinting at.

"Oh?" Severus said in an appraising manner, looking at Minerva. He turned back to Xiomara, "Mazel tov!"

"Can you really do that?" Sybill asked almost hungrily, dropping her usual façade.

Minerva's eyes widened as a blush crept onto her cheeks.

"Yes, she's quite talented in that respect," Xiomara answered with a wide smile.

"Xiomara, stop it. They don't need to know that," Minerva hushed her.

"I mean, why even beat around the bush," Xiomara continued, ignoring Minerva. "What exactly are you asking? If you can borrow her for a night?"

"Xiomara!" Minerva scolded, still blushing.

"Yes!" Sybill answered.

An uncomfortable silence took the place of the playful air that had been there.

"Where the bloody hell is Albus? What's taking so long?" Minerva asked, breaking the silence. She conjured a new teacup and sipped it impatiently.

"What the hell do you mean, 'yes'?" Xiomara asked, angrily. "I was kidding to embarrass Minerva."

"How was I supposed to know? You asked. Besides," Sybill added, picking up her act, "I have forseen great pleasures for myself and Minerva."

Minerva spit her tea out across the table, Severus was none too happy.

"Get a damn toy!" Xiomara thundered," But leave Minnie out of your fantasies!"

"Minerva, in the future, could you maybe warn me before spitting hot tea on my face?" Severus asked, wiping his face.

"I'm awfully sorry, Severus, but I didn't exactly see that coming!"

"You must not have 'the gift'!" he joked.

"I'm going ter go now, if that's alrigh'. Jus' let Dumbledore know," Hagrid mumbled, standing.

"Really, Hagrid, do the lesbians really get to you that much?" Severus asked. "I mean, this is the second staff meeting in a row that you've had to back away from! Please learn to control your 'dragon.' It's a wonder we get anything done here at all with all the talk of toys and whatnot!"

Hadgid continued backing away, thoroughly embarrassed and insulted.

"Hagrid, it's okay," Minerva soothed, standing and walking over to him to pat him on the shoulder. "It doesn't make you any less a man. Severus is just jealous because your 'dragon' is so much bigger than his itty, bitty 'stirring spoon'. And you can get it up."

Minerva bit back her laughter and returned to her seat.

"Hello, staff! I trust you have all kept yourselves entertained!" Albus said, beaming as he entered the staff room.

The sight he saw was truly one to behold: Hagrid was backed against the wall, blushing. Severus was also blushing, but he was sitting. Minerva was sitting with her legs on thetable and leasning back in her chair, looking very pleased with herself. Meanwhile, Xiomara was half-standing and was glaring menacingly toward Sybill. Sybill was sitting in her chair, also looking ruffled.

"It's about bloody time," Filius mumbled.


	4. Sometimes, the Truth Hurts

_A/N: Okay, you guys. This chapter is a lot different. When I was writing, I sort of left the ha-ha land of humor and entered the land of drama. If this is not loved, which you can let me know via reviews, I'll be sure to post another chapter to either replace this or make up for it. Just let me know in your review what you think: Like, like but want the comedy bck for the future (in which case, should the next chapter be with the teachers or with the students), dislike, dislike and want replacing, or dislike and want something different in the future. Let me know and I will go with the majority! xoxo, lyss_

"Good game!" Harry said, slapping hands with each of the twins as they retreated to the back of the locker room.

"Uh… Harry?" Ron asked, fidgeting.

"Yeah, Ron? What's wrong?"

"I was just wondering, I mean, since you're… You're…" Ron stuttered, clearly uncomfortable.

"Gay?" supplied Harry.

"Yes… Er, that," Ron answered.

Harry laughed and he could hear the twins approaching from behind laughing, too. "Yes, Ron?"

"Does ickle-Ronniekins have a question about anal sex?" George teased.

"Yes, but with a girl or a boy?" Fred interjected, also joining in.

"Nevermind," Ron mumbled, turning red as he turned away. This spurred the twins on more.

"Ron, what is it?" Harry asked, grabbing Ron by the arm and yanking him around.

"It's nothing."

"Ron, what?"

Ron remained silent a few moments before," Hermione."

The laughter abruptly stopped, leaving an awkward silence.

"Well, Harry? Is she… Is she…" Ron asked, getting frustrated as he searched for the words. "Well, is she?"

Harry looked to each of the twins, both of whom nodded. "I'm sorry, mate. I guess it's time you knew. She is."

"No way! She can't be! But… She and I! We fight like my mum and dad! I always thought that she and I…" Ron trailed off, his anger dissolving.

"How can you tell?" Ron asked, finally finding his voice again. No anger echoed in his voice, just defeat.

"Think about it, Ron. When has she ever looked at a _boy's_ butt?"

"What Fred means," Harry interrupted, attempting to soften the blow, "is that Hermione just exhibits some of the tell-tale signs. I mean, she hasn't had many boyfriends."

"Only Krum, and she never really let him touch her," George supplied.

"Maybe she's holding out for me!" Ron said, brightly.

"Don't hold your breath," Fred mumbled, earning an elbow in his ribs from Harry.

"She never joins in any of Lavender's and Padma's conversations about boys and how cute they are."

"Again, holding out for me!"

"Ron, look at her shoes!" Fred said, tiring of his younger brother's lame excuses for Hermione's appearing to be a lesbian. "Her hair! Her make-up! Her jewelry!"

"Fred!" Harry said, trying to get Fred to stop his outburst before he said too much.

"Just look at the way she looks into Ginny's eyes. She's not waiting for you. She's waiting for her."

"No!" Ron yelled, angrily, unable to accept the truth. He moved forward to punch Fred, but Harry stepped in front of him, blocking his path.

"Ron, mate, you have to believe me. I wouldn't lie to you," Harry told him, unable to undo what Fred had done. "I mean, Hermione is. I know that upsets you, but think about it. You wouldn't have asked if you didn't already suspect."

Ron lapsed into silence.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hermione?" Ginny asked, shaking her out of a dream-like trance. "What are you doing?"

"Oh! Ginny! You… You startled me," Hermione said, a faint blush creeping into her cheeks.

"What are you doing?" Ginny repeated.

"Nothing," Hermione answered quickly.

"And that's code for?"

Hermione sighed, "Waiting."

"Oh! For who?"

"No one important. Let's go!" Hermione said, starting to walk away.

"If it's important to you, it's important," Ginny told her.

Hermione sighed again, her blush deepening. "I was waiting for you," she mumbled.

"What?"

"You! I was waiting for you! You normally come from the other direction. I was going to 'accidentally' bump into you," Hermione confided.

"Why would you go through all of that? I mean, it seems a little forced just to spend time with a friend," Ginny laughed nervously.

"You're right. It is a lot to go though just to see a friend." Hermione bit her lip, deciding whether or not to continue. "But…" she took a deep breath and took a step toward Ginny. "It's not to much at all to go through to see the person that makes your heart beat just a little faster and a little slower at the same time. It's not to much to go through to see the person who makes your heart jump into your throat, who makes your stomach drop. Who outs butterflies in your stomach and makes you dizzy. It's not to much to go through to…. To see the person you l… The person you lo…" Hermione breathed deeply again to calm her wavering voice. "Love. Not to much to see the person you love."

Ginny's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I… I… I don't know what to say, Hermione. I wasn't expecting that. I… I'm flattered! I had no idea!"

"I can't believe I just said that," Hermione said, entering a state of shock. "I mean… Forget it. Please, forget I said anything," Hermione said as she took a step back. Dropping her books, Hermione began a retreat.

"Hermione! That's not what I meant! Come back!" Ginny called after her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So, who do you guys want to talk about today?" Harry asked, trying to lighten the mood. The circle of Gryffindors that normally chatted happily in their common room was slightly strained.

Ron was angry with just about everyone, Fred was shooting glares at the other two boys, and Ginny and Hermione weren't meeting each other's eyes.

Harry brightened. "How about Trelawney? That crazy old bat?"

The group all shrugged their agreement.

"Well, I think she is. Either that, or she's just weirdly fixated on Professor McGonagall," Harry said.

"I think she's a wretched old hag with no actual magical ability," Hermione mumbled angrily, not looking up.

"Okay, so that's a vote in which column, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"She's a fraud," Hermione said defensively, as if that were a clear enough answer.

"Alright than! So, that's Hermione's vote! Ron?"

Ron grunted in reply.

"Okay! Ginny?"

Ginny attempted a smile. "I think she's in love with McGonagall, but ol' MG has better things to do than give her the time of day."

"Okay! Ginny has placed her vote solidly in the 'Dyke' column. George?" Harry asked, enthused that the group seemed to be returning to its normal conversations and that the hostility was lessening.

"I think-" George began.

"Who the bloody cares? This is a stupid game!" Ron bellowed, getting up angrily. "Who the bloody hell gives a damn about the damn professors and who they shag? Who the bloody hell cares about the bloody gays?!"

"Ronald, you take that back," Hermione said, rising to his eye level. "You've been angry at our group for a while now and I've tried to respect that and give you space. But now you have gone too fa-"

"Sod off, Hermione!" Ron yelled.

"Don _not_ interrupt me," Hermione said, seething. "Just because you want to sulk, does not mean you should take it out on all of us. None of us deserve this. Do _not_ discredit the professors, ever. Don't make that mistake again." Ron opened his mouth to speak, but Hermione continued as if he hadn't. "And, furthermore, do not make the mistake of thinking that no one in our little circle doesn't care about the gays. Understand, Ronald?"

Ron stared back at her defiantly.

"I asked you a question, Ronald. Maybe you weren't paying attention. I'll ask again: Do you understand, Ronald?"

"Do you like my sister?" Ron asked, still staring.

"What?" Hermione said, taking a step back, her thunder stolen. "She's a great friend," she stammered.

"Not what I meant."

Hermione chanced a glance in Ginny's direction, to see her reaction. "I… I…"

"It's a simple question, Hermione. Are you, or are you not, in love with my baby sister? Yes or no, Hermione?"

Hermione's answer caught in her throat.

"Are you, or are you not, a raging bull dyke, Hermione?!" Ron asked, angrily.

"Stop!" Harry said, standing. "Ron! That is not necessary! Why would you corner Hermione like that?"

"I think my baby sister has a right to know, Harry, whether or not Hermione is in love with her, don't you?"

"No. Not like this. You have no right! This isn't even about Ginny. This is about Hermione," Harry said.

"Me?" Hermione echoed.

"Yes, Hermione. Go ahead, Ron, tell her what this is really about. Why you're so angry."

Ron stayed silent.

"Ron?" Hermione asked, "Could you tell me?"

"You, Hermione. It's about you. It's about you leading me on and not really feeling anything for me! It's about your being a big lesbian, but acting like you like me," Ron answered.

"When have I _ever_ led you on?" Hermione asked, indignantly.

"The way we fight? The way you got jealous when I dated Lavender?"

"First of all, what does fighting have to do with it?"

"We fight like my mum and dad!"

"That doesn't mean we're feeling the same emotions they are, Ronald! And the jealously thing? Lavender and I had a… A fling. I was jealous because she had been my first real girlfriend since I had come out."

Ron's ears turned the same shade of red as his hair. "You're kidding."

Hermione shook her head, angrily, "I'm not. I've had enough of this. All of this was just because you were upset when you found out I'm a lesbian? Ridiculous! I thought it was clear! But, I suppose that, for you, it wasn't. You saw things the way you wanted to. And, now? We've all paid the price. I'm going to bed."

Hermione stomped up to her dorm and wrapped herself in her blanket, settling herself for bed.

She heard a knock. "Hermione?"

It was Ginny.

"Yes, Gin?" Hermione asked, fighting back the tears she knew were welling in her eyes.

"You never answered Ron's question. Are you, or are you not, in love with me?" Ginny was smiling.

Hermione smiled, "I am. I really am. I tried to fight it," Hermione sat up in bed, "but I couldn't I still do love you. I might always. But I get it, I know it won't ever work out. I get it, you don't like me like that. You know? Everyday I wake up and I ask myself the same question and I pray the answer will be no: 'Do I still love her?' But my answer is always yes. I can't escape it, or change it, or magic it away. It just is."

"Who says I don't like you like that?" Ginny asked, smiling coyly as she crossed the span of the room and sat down next to Hermione.

Hermione just smiled and leaned her head on Ginny's shoulder, too tired to protest the silent alarms going off in her head.


	5. You Almost Gotta Feel Bad for Severus

"I just don't know what is going on with Hermione anymore!" Minerva exclaimed to Xiomara, clearly exasperated, as the pair entered the Staff Room.

"What's wrong with the little dyke-in-training?" Severus asked with mock concern.

"Stuff it, Sev," Minerva said, without looking at him.

"Yeah!" Xiomara nodded. "Just because Hermione is getting' some and you're not is no reason to be all pissy!"

Both Minerva and Severus looked at her, each stuck in their respective states of shock.

"Xiomara!" Minerva finally screeched, finding her voice. "The girl is sixteen! She'd better not be 'getting' some,' as you so eloquently put it. Don't even joke about that!"

"What the bloody hell makes you think that I'm _not_ getting any?" Severus asked, ignoring Minerva.

"Well," Xiomara began, ignoring Minerva's anger as well, "for starters, like I said: very pissy! Secondly, your temper is so _short_!"

"I have seen it with my Inner Eye!" Sybill proclaimed before coughing unceremoniously on her smoke. "The Eye of the Serpents has seen no poultry!"

The assembled group all turned and stared at her.

"I know I'm going to hate myself for asking, but… What?" Minerva finally asked.

Sybill sighed, hating to have to drop her mystical persona. "The Eye of the Serpent, The Head of the Slytherin House, Severus. Has seen no poultry, no cock, no pe-"

"Enough! I got it!" Minerva said, raising both hands, one to signal that Sybill could stop and one to cover her ear.

"What?" Severus asked, hoping to change the subject, "the lesbian doesn't want to hear about di-"

"No!" Xiomara interrupted. "No, the lesbians don't want to hear. Nothing. Not a word. In fact, the words we've already heard have filled the quota for the school year for hearing about… Them."

Filius sighed and shook his head, "Lesbians are boring."

Minerva shook her head, "No, it's you gay men who make us seem boring because you just make things up. They tell lies like, 'Minerva and Albus shagged in the broom closet.'"

Severus laughed, "So that was a lie? Here I thought that the lesbian had decided to expand her horizons!"

Minerva shook her head again, "Anyway, Xiomara, what do you think? Why is she suddenly so distant?"

Xiomara snorted, "I _told_ you what I thought. You got angry."

"If I may, Minerva," Severus began.

"No, you may not," Minerva said, cutting him off. "I've no desire to hear your theories about the 'dyke-in-training.' And you," she said, turning to Sybill, "I don't want to hear a peep from you wither about how the Raven among the Lions has met kitties or some equally ridiculous bloody bullshit! Nothing!"

"Minerva!" Xiomara hissed.

"What is it?" Minerva snapped.

"Maybe you should calm down" Xiomara continued in a whisper, nodding. "You're over stimulated. It'll work itself out," Xiomara finished in her normal speaking voice, patting Minerva's knee under the table. Minerva leaned closer and gave her a kiss to show that she would try and calm down and that she was grateful that Xiomara was trying to keep her grounded.

"Tsk, tsk! Frisky lesbians!" Severus interjected, sneering. "Remember, both sets of hands where we can see them!"

Both women turned towards Severus and fixed him with angry glares.

"Er… 'As Dumbledore gotten 'ere yet?" Hagrid asked, popping his head into the room.

"No," Minerva said, turning away from giving Severus a death glare to answer Hagrid. "Not yet."

Hagrid nodded that he understood and moved to assume his place outside the room.

"Wait! Aren't you going to come in here and wait?" Minerva asked, puzzled.

Hagird looked from Minerva, to Xiomara, to Severus, then back at Minerva and Xiomara. "No. I think I'll wait out 'ere."

Severus laughed.

"Good job, Severus!" Xiomara commented sarcastically.

"The poor man can't even sit and wait for staff meetings with us anymore!" Minerva finished.

"Hey!" Severus said, still laughing. "It's certainly not by my doing that he continually gets erections at these bloody meetings!" Minerva winced at Severus' crude language causing Severus to laugh harder. "Well, it's not! It's the thought of 'hot' girl-on-girl action. The mere thought of your and Xiomara's kinky lesbian sex just gets him going!"

"Stop it!" Minerva hushed him, her eyes going wide as she fought back laughter.

Xiomara, on the other hand, had joined in Severus' mirth and was laughing heartily.

"Why is Hagrid refusing to come into the room?" Albus Dumbledore asked, pointing over his shoulder, as he walked into the room.

"Because my voice carries and he's probably got a 'dragon' to 'tame,'" Severus said, gasping between bouts of laughter.

"It's better that that puny 'lizard' you have to 'tame,'" Filius mumbled, sending all but Severus and a rather confused Albus into another fit of giggles.


	6. Quidditch, Butterbeer, and Homos Oh My!

"Gin?" Hermione asked groggily, rolling over on her tear-stained pillow as she reached for the other girl.

She remembered Ginny's following her and she remembered leaning on Ginny's shoulder and crying herself to sleep as Ginny rubbed her back. What she didn't remember was when Ginny had left.

"Ginny?" Hermione called a little louder. She looked around. "It wasn't a dream," she told herself, sitting up.

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she continued looking for the red-head.

Hermione rubbed her eyes as she made her way into the common room.

"Where _is_ everyone?" she thought, looking around.

Her eyes went wide as it dawned on her. "Bloody hell! Gryffindor versus Slytherin today!"

She hurried back up to her dorm to throw on Gryffindor colored clothing before rushing down seven staircases and through the grand oak doors.

Huffing, she reached her house's bleachers just as she heard the announcement.

"Harry Potter has caught the Golden Snitch! That means, with a score of 290 to 70, Gryffindor wins the game and the Quidditch Cup!"

Every house but Slytherin erupted in cheers as Harry and the other Gryffindors did the customary victory lap around the field.

Hermione groaned, angry at herself for over-sleeping and missing the last quidditch game of the season.

Ginny quickly spotted the bushy-haired girl and enveloped her in a bear hug. "Did you hear? We won! We won!"

Surprised, Hermione hugged the other girl back. "I heard!" she choked. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"You looked so peaceful! Like an _angel_! I couldn't bear it! I figured you'd wake up when you were ready."

Hermione smiled at her friend and hugged her again. "Is Ron still angry?" she whispered.

"Not very. I think it's more of an embarrassment thing. I mean, he's been 'chasing' you for so long only to find out you weren't even in the same quidditch field," Ginny answered. "But enough about him, are you feeling better?"

Hermione nodded as she felt the redhead squeeze her hand comfortingly. "I think I am, actually. Thank you so much for staying with me last night. It really meant so much to me. I completely understand if you don't actually feel the same way for me, though. I mean, emotions were running very high last night."

"Oh, stop!" Ginny scolded. "I like you very much, and that's final! Stop trying to dissuade me!" Ginny finished her statement with a firm kiss on the lips.

Hermione's surprise lasted only a moment before she was returning the kiss whole-heartedly.

"'Bout time!" Harry called as he saw the pair while on his victory lap. He was soon joined by the twins who hooted and hollered loudly.

Hermione turned to their audience, laughing, as she clutched Ginny's hand.

It was Ginny, though, who saw the last Weasley on the Gryffindor team.

Ron hadn't stopped as his brothers had to hoot happily. Instead, he seemed to shoot daggers at the new couple as he continued his "victory lap," feeling anything but victorious. He quickly finished his lap and stalked off angrily to the locker rooms.

Ginny didn't have to think twice, she knew Hermione would be far happier having not seen that. Instead, she pulled her into another kiss, at the applause of Harry and the twins.

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Ron threw his gear into his assigned locker. "Bugger!"

"Whoa! Ron, calm down! What's wrong?" Harry asked, entering the locker room just as Ron punched his locked closed.

"'What's wrong?' 'What's _wrong?_' They're together! They're together and everyone is cheering for this madness! It's _insanity!_ Hermione is supposed to be with _me!_ And now she's snogging my sister! And you ask me 'what's wrong?' You three _cheered_! That's what's wrong! My baby sister is dating the girl I've loved since we saved her from that bloody troll! _That's_ what's wrong!"

"Ron, you need to calm down! You can't be mad at Hermione for not loving you! That's not fair! The heart wants what the heart wants. No one can change that. Nothing can. Not even magic."

"Don't get all philosophical with me, Harry! I don't want to _hear_ it! Just sod off!"

"Well, usually people are joyful after winning games, but not our brother, George," Fred said, entering the locker room with his arm linked through George's.

"Yes, our brother… Ever the martyr," George clutched his chest.

"You guys, he's hurting right now. Could you cut it out?"

"No, let them keep on. Let them kick me while I'm down!"

"Ron, it's not the end of the world! Hermione is _one_ girl! There are plenty of fish in the sea, or whatever," Fred said seriously.

"No! She was the only fish I saw! I didn't want to fish at any lake but hers!"

"You're taking this metaphor way to far. It's just an expression. She's not actually a fish, Ron," George said.

"Sod off!"

"Alrighty then!" George said, whistling. "Fred, I think that's our cue to go."

"Seems our advice is falling on deaf ears, so I think you're right George," Fred linked arms with George once again as they both set off for the castle.

"Ron?" Harry asked, stepping closer as he put a hand on Ron's shoulder.

"Leave me be!" Ron exclaimed, pulling away. "I've had enough of you and my faggot brothers. Bloody faggots…. Bloody dykes… Sod off!"

Harry stepped back, wide eyed. "Alright, Ron. If that's how you feel… I guess I'll talk to you later, when you're ready."

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Ron was, to no one's surprise, missing from the common room that evening.

"What are our thoughts on Professor Sprout?" Harry laughed, picking up another glass of the butterbeer the twins had procured from the house elves in the kitchens.

"Straight!" chorused the twins, laughing.

"I don't know…" Hermione said, laughing as well as she drank her butterbeer. "I think she might have a thing for McGonagall."

"You think _everyone_ has a thing for McGonagall. I think _you_ have a thing for McGonagall!" Ginny challenged, pointing at Hermione.

Hermione looked back at Ginny with mock anger. "How dare you insinuate such a thing? Why would I look at anyone else when I have such-" she kissed Ginny's nose lightly "a treasure?"

Ginny shrugged, pretending Hermione's words had affected her naught, "Which treasure is this?"

Hermione giggled before pouncing on her girlfriend to kiss her.

"That would be you, my dear," Hermione answered smiling as she lay her head on Ginny chest as they both lay on the outskirts of their circle.

"Get a room!" George called, laughing.

"No, really," Ron said dryly as he entered the common room. "Get a room."

"Ronald!" Hermione exclaimed, toppling off of Ginny and out of sight in her surprise.

Ron shook his head as he walked past his friends and siblings and directly to his dormitory.

"Wait up!" Hermione called, staggering after him.

"Hermione, let him go!" Ginny shouted, knowing that no good would come from a confrontation.

"Ron!" Hermione yelled, falling up the stairs in her slightly drunk stupor.

Ron slammed the door behind him as he entered his dorm before closing the curtains of his four-poster bed.

"Ron!" Hermione called again as she entered her friends' dorm, leaning heavily on the door. "Ron, please talk to me."

"About what?" Ron snapped, pulling his curtains back open angrily. "About how you broke my heart? About how you're dating my sister? What, Hermione?" He took several steps toward her.

"Ron, don't be like that," Hermione said, reaching for his shoulders.

"Don't touch me, you filthy dyke!" Ron seethed, grabbing her wrist and pushing her backwards.

"Ron! You're being unreasonable! I didn't choose this! I would never _choose _to hurt you!"

"You lying bitch!" Ron screamed, pushing her again so that she stumbled out of his room. He followed her. "You filthy, lying, bull-dyke, bitch!"

"How much alcohol did you have to consume to be able to say those words to me, Ronald?" Hermione asked, quickly sobering up. "How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Shut up! Shut up, you bitch! You don't get to tell me what to do anymore! You lost that privlidge when you snogged my sister, dyke!"

"Is that the worst thing you can think of? Do you really think it bothers me to be called a dyke? You'd be wrong, Ronald. There isn't a single thing you can say to hurt me."

Ron seemed to pause, at a loss for words. Suddenly, he pulled his hands off Hermione as if burned before punching her squarely in the jaw.

"Hermione!" Ginny screeched, running up the stairs. "You _bastard_!" Ginny said, turning on her brother. Before anyone knew what was happening, Ginny had cast her famous bat-bogey hex on her brother.

"Hermione? Honey, are you okay? Come on, let's get you to Madam Pomfrey."

"Ginny, darling, I'm fine. I think all he's done is given me a bloody lip."

"Nonetheless, I'd feel better if you were checked out by Madam Pomfrey!" Ginny argued, helping Hermione stand.

"Very well," Hermione sighed. "But before I go," she turned back to her friends who had stood up when she and Ron had burst through the door, "what do we think of Pomfrey? Dyke?"

Harry laughed, seeing that she was okay. His laughter was quickly joined by the twins.

"Hear, hear!" they chorused as Ginny led Hermione down the stairs and out of the common room.

"Think Ginny will remember to call off her hex?" George asked nonchalantly as he gazed up at his younger brother.

Fred sighed, "I hope not." The twins laughed again.

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_A/N: Again, I know this was very different. I can't entirely promise when the students will be all fun and games again, but at least you know the teachers are always good for a laugh!!_


	7. Professors Gone Wild

"Xiomara, you wouldn't believe it! The poor dear! Weasley broke her jaw! He's supposed to be her friend and he broke her _jaw_! Poppy says it was past midnight when Ginny brought Hermione in! Past midnight! You haven't seen her 'Mara. She's such a trooper, wanted to go to her classes today and everything! Do you know why Weasley hit her?" Minerva was saying to Xiomara as they entered the staff room early, as usual.

"No, why-" Xiomara began.

"Ginny told Poppy it's because Hermione's gay! Xiomara, in the Sates, they call that a hate-crime!" Minerva interrupted. She sat down in a huff. "I swear, when I see that boy, he'll be serving detentions with Filch for the rest of his Hogwarts career!"

"What has that one all atwitter?" Severus asked, coming in after the couple had sat down. "I heard her all the way from the dungeons."

"Well, young Ronald Weas-" Xiomara started before again being interrupted by an overzealous Minerva.

"Weasley punched Hermione and broke her jaw because she's gay!"

"No! You're kidding!" Severus said, now thoroughly intrigued. "Gryffindor versus Gryffindor? That's a new one!"

"I mean, he actually _punched_ her! Because of her sexual orientation!"

"When did she find out?" Severus asked Xiomara, practically giddy.

"At one in the morning. Guess how long _I've_ been hearing about it," Xiomara answered. "Since two when she left the girl's bedside."

Severus laughed.

"It's not funny, Sev! This is as bad as attacks on Muggle-borns! Both are stupid prejudices!"

"Minnie, calm down!"

"And all her friends just stood there! They did nothing! I mean, they just let her get punched when it really could have been any one of them! Ron's the only 'straight' Weasley child, so it could have been Ginny, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie, or Harry! And they just sat back and did nothing! I mean, they don't come any gayer than the Weasleys and Potter! They're as flamboyant as you get! And they did nothing!"

"Min!" Xiomara finally shouted. "This yelling isn't going to do anything!"

"Then why are you yelling?" Minerva shouted back, unaware of exactly how loud she had become.

"You're very sensitive about the-"

"Don't you _dare_ call her the 'dyke-in-training,' Severus," Minerva warned, shooting daggers.

Severus held up both hands in mock submission, "I wasn't going to!"

"What's going on? Are you three bickering already?" Filius squeaked as he entered.

"Sweet Merlin," Xiomara groaned under her breath. "Here we go again."

"Ronald Weasley broke Hermione Granger's jaw because she's gay!"

"I thought those two and Potter were all best friends. Three peas in a pod, as it were," Filius commented as he hoisted himself into his chair.

"I thought so, too, but Potter did nothing when Weasley punched Granger!"

"Ah… I have seen it with my-hiccup- Inner Eye!" Sybill declared, entering with a half-empty bottle of Sherry in her hand. "The Raven among the Lions-hiccup- has been attacked by a red-haired man! She has seen-hiccup- the Grim!"

Both Xiomara and Minerva jumped up.

"I'll throttle her!" Minerva yelled. "Just one punch!" She struggled against Xiomara's hold.

"If anyone's gonna hit her, it'll be me," Xiomara huffed, not having forgotten Sybill's fantasies.

"Oh, calm down, you angry lesbians," Severus said, waving a hand at them lazily.

Minerva pulled out of Xiomara's hold and leapt over the table…  
At Severus.

Xiomara, on the other hand, charged at a drunken Sybill who had been eyeing Minerva from the second she entered.

Severus screamed loudly like a little girl while Sybill stumbled over her robes and tripped.

"Eeepp!" Filius cried, ducking under the table as to avoid the crystal ball Xiomara aimed back at its owner.

"Is Dumbledore 'ere yet?" Hagrid asked, sticking his head in as Minerva knocked Severus from his chair.

"Yes, I am," Albus answered, walking into the staff room. "Sweet Merlin!"

Minerva was sitting on Severus' chest and pulling at his greasy hair, Xiomara was pushing Sybill in circles and causing her turban to come unraveled, and poor Filius was cowering behind a fen in the corner nursing a bloody nose. All of their wands lay strewn across the floor and table, utterly forgotten in the mayhem.

"Enough!" Albus roared. "Sit."

Each of the assembled professors went back to their usual seats as his command.

"Explain."

The five teachers immediately began talking at once.

"Silence!" Albus called. "One at a time. Minerva, you may go first."

"Weasley decked Granger because she's a lesbian."

"So you felt the need to deck Severus because?"

"Because he mocked the poor dear and acted like a complete arse!"

"I am not a complete arse!" Severus argued.

"No," Minerva agreed. "Not _completely_."

Severus scowled.

"Enough. Severus?"

"That's basically what happened. But I was mocking Minerva and Xiomara, not Granger."

Albus nodded.

"She's very touchy about the dyke-in-training," Severus whispered.

Minerva jumped up again but Albus but out an arm to steady her.

"I see. Xiomara?"

"That crazy ol' bat of a 'seer' keeps making eyes at Minerva!"

"Ah, yes. Sybill?"

"The tartan one is-hiccup-" she began, her turban askew and her glasses lost, "Sexy."

Xiomara jumped up at this but Minerva grabbed her hand tightly and pulled her back down.

"I see. Filius?"

"They're all out of their bloody minds!" Filius squeaked.

"Alright. Stay seated, please. Do not attack each other. I shall be back momentarily."

"Xiomara," Minerva asked once Albus had left, "did you really attack her because she was looking at me?"

"You didn't see! That drunken old 'seer' was planning something!"

"You really needn't worry, 'Mara," Minerva purred.

"Oh, is that so?" Xiomara smiled, leaning closer to Minerva.

"Enough of you two! I've seen and heard enough of your love life! No more PDA!" Severus said, faking a gag.

"You're just angry because you're not getting any," Xiomara laughed. "It's not our fault that Lucius is an idiot and got caught while working for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"I'll have you know that I am too 'getting some'!" Severus argued.

"With who? Filius?" Minerva mocked.

"I should say not!" both men declared at once.

"But that's really his lost," Filius continued. "I may look small, but, ooo… The engorgement charms I cast…"

"Gross, Filius! Too much information! You're bringing up my lunch!" Minerva declared, disgusted.

Sybill, on the other hand, was now watching Filius intently. "Tell me about them," she breathed.

"Anyway!" Severus continued, "Lucius got out! We've already met up for countless 'missions for the Dark Lord.'"

"You're incorrigible, Sev," Minerva laughed.

"Now that I think about it, you _have_ been in a considerably better mood," Xiomara noted.

"Alright," Albus announced, standing in the doorway. He ushered in a very frazzled Ron.

Minerva's eyes widened. "Weasley!"

"I've heard you've quite a night," Severus commented.

"You don't know the half of it!" Albus declared, his eyes twinkling madly. "I've just been informed that young Miss Weasley had cast her infamous Bat-Bogey hex on him before escorting Miss Granger to the hospital wing. She must have forgotten to undo it because I had to perform the counter-curse when I found the boy huddled in a corner of the Gryffindor common room."

Minerva barely managed to suppress a chuckle.

"Mr. Weasley, would you care to explain what happened last night?" Albus continued.

Ron looked at his professors with bloodshot eyes. "I…"

And then he vomited.

"The boy can't hold his liquor!" Xiomara exclaimed, a smile evident in her voice.

"Well," Minerva interjected, "we've beard that you punched Miss Granger because she did not return your love. Is this true?"

Ron opened his mouth to answer before he was cut off.

"That's what I thought. Seventy-five points from Gryffindor."

"Professor!" Ron argued. "That's your own house!"

"It is, indeed, and you tarnish its name. Misters Fred and George Weasley and Mister Potter will also be docked fifteen points for doing nothing.

"Miss Weasley, on the other hand, earned thirty points for her use of the Bat-Bogey Hex to defend her peer. And Miss Granger? She's earned eighty points for handling her _attack_ with such class. And, you, Weasley, shall be serving detentions with Filch for the remainder of the school year."

"But, Professor! It's not even Christmas yet!"

"Best not to argue, boy," Xiomara warned icily.

"Weasley, you may let Filch know that the two of you can start by scrubbing every cauldron in my classroom, without magic, tonight. I'll expect you both at quarter to eight, sharp," Severus smiled.

"Very well, Mr. Weasley. It seems you are dismissed," Albus gestured. "Hagrid, if you would escort him to Argus' quarters? Oh, and Xiomara, you must let the Gryffindor captain know that they are in need of a new Keeper since Ron has lost his privilege to play quidditch. Thank you, Hagrid."

"But-!" Ron argued over his shoulder as Hagrid escorted him from the room.

When the pair had left, Albus turned back to his staff. "I trust you've all calmed considerably now and we can get some work done?"

Minerva and Xiomara exchanged looks with Severus before looking at Sybill-who was staring, unblinking, at poor Filius- and Filius- who was inching away under her gaze.

The three of them erupted in laughter.

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_A/N: Thanks to _Shinigami's Shadow and SilverPantsSven _ for the "gay as you get" quote!_


End file.
